What Grieving Has Taught Me

Well, I've made it almost 5 months without my Sam Bam.

Its been far from an easy ride but I'm happy to say that I'm starting to feel better.

 Not 100%, but better.

I've learned a lot of about life and death, and life after death, in these past

few months. I thought I would share the 5 most important things that grieving

has taught me. This is a situation we are all bound to come across at some point.

Maybe this will help somebody.

1. Things will never be the same.

It sounds obvious, but life really does turn upside down when you lose somebody

close to you. I spent most of the last few months mourning the fact that I will never

see her again and that no matter what I do, my life will never go back to the way it 

was when she was here. Not only that, but my connection with her kids has changed

a lot. I don't see them as often and that has been tough to accept but the fact is, its just

not going to be the same. I still love her family greatly and we do see each other when

we can. But without Sam, its different. I'm learning to be ok with this and not think of

it as such a bad thing. Its just the way it is.

2. People grieve differently.

I've heard this my entire life but never truly understood it until now. To see the way

Sam's friends and family have reacted to this tragedy has taught me a lot about the

grieving process. Some "recovered" sooner than others. Some acted out in anger.

Some (me) closed themselves off to the world in confusion and hopelessness. We are

all dealing with the same death, but processing it in different ways. This is important to know
so you don't confuse people's grief with carelessness or exaggeration. 

3. Ups and Downs are part of the process.

Just when I start feeling like I'm going to be ok, my mood takes a nosedive and I'm
crying/depressed/hopeless all over again. Then a few days later I'm feeling better.
I was getting so exhausted going through this cycle of emotions but my therapist continued
to assure me that it's normal. You have your good days, and your not so good days. Just hang
on and go with the flow. Its your body's way of adjusting to the changes and handling the
emotional stress of what you've just experienced. And it also gives you a slight glimmer
of hope that one day your good days will outweigh the bad ones and that things will get easier.

4. Have patience for the grieving.

I owe so much to my friends for helping me get through the toughest time in my life. There are
a few people who stayed by my side through my bad days, when I felt like no one cared about me.
Some of them invited themselves over and literally had to drag me out of the house to pull me out
of my negative mood. They didn't give me any other option and I'm so glad they did because it really
helped. When I was feeling down and sorry for myself, they didn't get annoyed, they understood.
They were here for me to talk to. They were genuinely concerned when I was upset. It was exactly
what I needed and I am so glad I had them here for me. The emotional rollercoaster has slowed
down now and I know its easier to be my friend when I'm not crazy moody, crying and sleeping
all the time. But the fact that they were my friend regardless means so much to me! If someone
you know is grieving and going through the ups and downs, just be there for them. Even if they act
like they don't need or want you there, they do and they will appreciate it later.

5. That "new normal" is a real thing.
For a while I was really feeling guilty about moving out of the shocked/depressed phase. I didn't
want to ever be "ok" with the fact that my best friend died. That her kids have to grow up without
her. That she got robbed of life. People kept saying "You'll find a new normal" and all I could think
was "Ok but I dont want a new normal. I want my normal normal. I want her back." Its only been
in the past week or so that I've realized I now have a "new normal". I don't wake up in the morning
expecting to hear from her. I don't feel out of place when she's not showing up at my house at 9:30am
with the kids ready to hang out. I have a new routine. I've come to accept that it will never go back
to being that way and I've gotten used to life the way it is now. I think the most important part is that
I don't feel guilty about it. I did my fair share of mourning. She knew I loved her and I know I
always will. All she wanted for me was to be happy and she would hate knowing that she was
the cause of so much pain. Just because it is getting easier doesn't mean I don't miss her or think
about her all the freaking time. I would give anything to have her back. But remembering her
is a lot less heart-wrenching and I know now that I am going to be ok.

In spirit of my beautiful Sam and our Cali lovin' thug life together...