I never realized how difficult it would be to get back
to normal after the death of someone very close to you.
I've lost my grandpa and my aunt before, and obviously I
knew them since I was born. But they weren't part of my every day life
and I didn't have to adjust too much to not having them there anymore.
It's been 3 weeks since Sam's passing and I know its time for
me to get back on track with my life and to find that new normal.
So this post is my source of motivation to do that!
So lets see...
I need to...
1) Place a Scentsy order before I get kicked out.
2) Drink more water since I've been living off of energy drinks.
3) Start making my smoothies again since I've been eating like crap.
4) Replant some of my plants in my garden since I've been neglecting them.
5) Reseed my front yard so it has a chance to grow before hubby gets home.
6) Finish up my laundry room makeover that I've been majorly slacking on.
7) Plan out the rest of Kayden's school work for this year and purchase next year's curriculum.
8) Wash and FOLD every single piece of laundry in this house.
9) Get back on my cleaning schedule since it's been screwed up entirely these past few weeks.
10) Start over with TurboFire.
Ok, ready, set, go.
Someone just remind me that moving on with my life
does not mean I am forgetting about her life.
Why do I feel guilty about this?
It's normal to feel guilty. When my best friend died, we were almost 19. We'd been best friends since we were 5 and we found out that we had the exact same birthday. He was 2 hours and 14 mins older than me. We were inseparable until about 14. His death was the first one that I really experienced and my mom made me listen to the song "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye" on the way to the funeral. That song has gotten me through 6 more funerals in the last 9 years, my mom's being one of them. It's okay to hurt and cry Kelly, but you have to move on with your life too, just make sure you live it in a way that honors theirs.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting, Rae. I know you have experienced loss greater than what I'm going through and it is really reassuring to hear from you. Thank you for the advice! It really helps.
DeleteI feel guilty about things all the time, about things that I really shouldn't feel guilty about. I felt guilty because I was so happy that we moved to Iowa and I met my husband there. Then I felt guilty because the only reason we moved to Iowa was because my brother was killed. It's stupid, but its a pang of guilt I can't make go away. Things like that will never go away I think. The thing that helps me most is I write letters to Ryan, then I burn them in a bonfire. He loved bonfires :)I listen to music, I look at pictures. I make sure Gunner and Zane see pictures of him, and know about him. Photograph by Nickelback, Address in the Stars by Caitlin and Will, Gone too Soon by Simple Plan and Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney are my go to songs when I feel the need to just break down about it again. The strangest things can bring on a breakdown too, so if you start making your smoothies like you and Sam did and it brings on a breakdown, let yourself have that breakdown. It takes a long time to move on, and you'll never "get over it" as so many people say. You'll just learn to deal with the pain better. Just try not to hit the people who tell you all the normal lines that are meant to make you feel better but actually just annoy/offend you. If you ever need to talk/vent/scream/cry I'm here babe, I know we aren't close..but I know what you're feeling and I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Melissa. Like I told Rae, I know you've experienced greater loss than I am currently experiencing so to hear from you means a lot. You guys have been there, you've felt these things, you know what it takes to keep moving forward. It does really help to hear your advice. Thank you!
DeleteMy loss wasn't greater, please don't feel that way about anyone elses loss, losing Sam was devastating to you and anyone who has ever lost anyone will agree and say that no one person's loss is greater sweetie, that is a way to make yourself feel worse in the long run. I felt that way too when my brother was killed and people would say stupid stuff like at least you guys had ten years together, and then I'd start feeling guilty about being so devastated when people had lost people after only knowing a year and I had had more time with him. Then I would feel guilty for letting other people make me feel guilty. It just sets you up to feel worse later on down the road for feeling that way. Sam was like your sister, blood couldn't have made you closer. <3
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