Chugging Right Along

The kids and I are all moved into our new home!

Such a pivotal moment.

This is our first home as a single-parent household and I am in charge!!
(scary thought)

I think being a Marine wife all those years was good practice though.

Being alone is nothing new to me.

Being solely responsible for the bills, food, kids, pets, etc....

I've been doing that already so its not that big of a change.

I do miss the relationship though, to be completely honest.

Not that specific relationship, per se. That wasn't a good one.

But I miss having someone.

I'm such a lover, and I loved being married, and I want to be loved.

I'm actually in this really weird state of confusion about it all.

I know I'm not mentally ready for another relationship. Not yet.

I was forced to fall out of love with my husband because he didn't want

to be married anymore. That doesn't just happen overnight.

It's been painful and its been a process.

Theres a lot of healing currently going on. I'm learning a lot about myself.

I am actively building on my confidence and self-worth.

I've never actually had the time to focus on myself because I was always so

preoccupied with trying to keep my husband from wandering.

I never realized how much I lost myself during my marriage until I talked to my sister.

The way she describes watching me get emotionally beat down for years is hard to hear.

But I get it. I totally see it and feel it now.

So before I get into any other serious relationship, I am going to make sure I am healed

from this one first so I can give this new person my all.

I do have a sense of fear when it comes to future relationships though.

I'm afraid I will never find someone who will want to take in 3 small kids.

Thats a huge undertaking and would take a very special person.

Not only that, but I will be very selective since this person will be a big part of my children's life.

Part of me is preparing to just be single forever.

On the other hand, I am very much looking forward to a new relationship.

A chance to start anew. A chance to feel loved the way I've never felt before.

To have someone 100% committed to me through good times and bad, sickness

and health, till death do us part. The girly girl in me gets excited thinking about that fairy tale.

I love to love. I love the idea of dedicating yourself to one person for the rest of your life.

I think being in love is a beautiful, magical thing and I would love to show my kids what a real

relationship is. How a man should treat a woman. How the art of marriage still exists.

Someday. I hope.

For now I am 100% mommy. My kids are the most important things in my life.

I am concentrating on creating a home, a new routine, a new way of living.

Since I left that yuckiness I have found it so much easier to be present in my kids lives.

We are playing Candy Land and eating ice cream and having sing-a-longs in the car to the 

Frozen soundtrack. We have been cheerleaders at Davin's t-ball games, having sleepovers with friends,

gardening and learning to appreciate all the nature that surrounds us, including baby scorpions.

We have been having so much fun and since I feel better about myself, it is making

things easier on them. 

The weirdest thing is I feel more like a family now than ever before.

My wish for my children is that they will look back on this when they are older and see

the effort I put in to take care of us. We've been "on our own" for 6 months and we have our own home,

a great group of friends, a new (to us) car, delicious nutritious meals and we have fun!

(And hopefully by the end of the week, Mommy will have a full-time position with the State of CA.

Interview is Wednesday so wish me luck!!)

I have seen the bond between my children grow closer and that's when I realize that we will be ok.

We don't have it all, but we have each other and they know it.

What's next for us:
Interview on Wednesday

Signing Davin up for summer Karate

Registering the kids for next school year

Registering Britton for daycare

Kayden starts a series of summer field trips with the Boys and Girls club

And my new favorite quote: